Agent 27 (witherwings7) wrote,
Agent 27

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I have a fucking bedtime

So now, according to my family, I have to be in bed with lights off at midnight otherwise my mom will be taking my computer away. It doesn't matter that I pay for the internet, she paid for the computer so she'll be taking it away from me. I can't fall asleep at midnight!!! I can't. He (brother) said everybody with jobs fall asleep by midnight. How many of you people with jobs fall asleep by midnight!? I can guarantee that I will be up at 4am if I fall asleep by then. That's when I talk to my best friend! Our best conversations are around then! I can't do that! Lastly, if I want to banter back and forth with my friend in England, I can really only do it at that time because of the time difference. I like our banters! They cheer me up :(
I also have to work at mom's job five days a week until I can find a job. If I don't she's kicking me out. Nevermind the fact that her boss smokes and makes me phsyically ill to be around him, it doesn't matter that it's illegal and unfair. "A lot of things are unfair but we do them anyway". I should not have to put up with secondhand smoke in the fucking job space! According to my brother I will have to 'suck it up and deal with my migraines'. You can't deal with migraines! Yeah I can work with a headache but not a migraine. That makes me 'lazy'. She apologized for calling me a bitch which doesn't matter to me. I took her apology like I take Adam's when he calls me a fat pig, with a grain of salt. The next time we disagree I'll be a 'fat bitch' or a 'lazy bitch'.
Also, I have to go to Lange Foundation and Curves at least three times a week for both. That's fine for Curves because that's the scheduel, three times a week. But Adam said "Mom's work, Curves, and Lange is your job. If you don't do these things mom will kick you out. You need to go to mom's office everyday but your therapy day, you need to go to Curves three times a week and Lange four times a week". Way to take the joy of volunteering out of me Adam. I also have to take my drivers test by next Friday or I'll be out on the street. I can fail but I must take it.
I'm 22, nearly 23! They want me to be independent and find my own life but they are giving me a 'lights out time'. That's the thing that gets me most of all, I have to be in bed by midnight. Have to. It just gets worse and worse. Anyone want a roommate? J\k, can't put my burden on any of you. I don't have the money to live in that fucking city. I'd give my rats away if I could move out, I love them but I can part with them to a good home but it's my cats. I need to move with Spencer and Zoe. I can't afford $700 a month, I can't.
Oh, my neighbor informs them that I am awake at 5am every morning which is not true. I'm in bed by 4 and if I'm not, my light is off so he shouldn't be able to see me unless he looks closely. So they have the neighbor spying on me or something?
I knew it would be played...the 'guilt card'. I knew it. I will make mom sick since I'm not driving her. Let's just forget the fact that mom shouldn't be going to work at all until mid-June and that she goes anyway..and there's second hand smoke in that space. Let's forget all about that and focus on the fact that I will make her sick. I, who doesn't call mom names and has started to not really yell back. I just go to my room or give her glares, but I don't call her a bitch and I never have. I think the most cursing I say to mom is 'dammit', 'bloody hell', and 'screw this'. It'll be my fault because I'm letting her belittle me and drive her to a place she shouldn't be going. It's okay, I know it's my fault (yes, I'm in self-pity mode).
I just can't take this. It's a no win situation, I live here and get treated like I'm five fucking years old. I can't move and I can't stay here. It's a wonder I have started doing more self destructive behavior but overeating. Overeating must be my personal form of self destruction, I don't cut or do drugs but I overeat. I'm a walking mental case.

So let me break it down in case you didn't understand from my ramblings.
1. have to work in a space where I will be around something that makes me phsyically ill
2. have to be in bed with lights out by midnight dispite the fact that I can't fall asleep that early
3. have to work in that office while looking for a job otherwise I will be on the street.
4. I have to drive mom to a place she was told not to go to by her doctor
5. I have to go to Curves three times a week (was planning on that anyway), Lange 4-5 times a week for two hours each, and mom's job five times a week otherwise I'm out on the street.
6. Didn't mention this but I also have to apply for disability because my mental capacity qualifies as a handicap. I'm handicapped in the mind I suppose.
7. Also didn't mention, but I can't eat or drink in my room anymore even though I throw stuff out and wash dishes. My room 'smells'.
8. I have to clean the cages 4 times a week otherwise the rats 'go'. Nevermind the fact that I have 2 rats in a cage so cleaning is only needed once or twice a week. Four times a week is a waste of material but I have to do it otherwise mom will 'drop my rats off at a pet store'. Oh, to that girl who wanted to give me her rat. It would be best if you don't, I don't want to bring a rat into this situation. I can pass along the word about your rat but I don't want to bring a rat into an unstable place.
9. My livejournal friends aren't really friends, just people I know on the internet. I agree that some of you aren't friends, I friended some of you to read your ff stories or because you make cool icons and we might be friendly to each other, but I don't consider us 'friends' and I'm sure you don't either. But some of you are friends. imonsie is my bestfriend and I consider decapod_10, yodallama, weaselses, angelwings2dust, box_of_sorrows, and a few more of you to be actual friends. But nope, I just 'know you' on the internet. True we met on the internet but whatever.
I guess that's it.
And yes I'm still crying.

PS-Please excuse any crappy spelling, I don't feel like spellchecking.
Tags: brother, family, issues, mom, rants
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