He wonders why I hate him? He wonders why I tell him I don't want him in my life? He barges into my room, waking me up (this was 11:30...I had a sleepless night)
He then asks if I made a cd of rat photos because he wants to "help" me with my rat calender. Yes I made the cd but I sure as hell don't want his help. When he leaves the room for a few moments I place myself in front of the door (childish but I don't give a fuck).
He comes back and says things along the lines of "If I don't open the door my PS2 and GameCube are gone"
Yea like that's a big deal. Those are material things and can be easily replaced. The only material things I give a real fuck about are my cameras, my ipod, my drawings, and my rats (they aren't material but he threatens me with them)
He then threatens to take my door off it's hinges or AX IT DOWN. I thought my mom wasn't in the house but then I hear him bitching at me that "I have no rights because I didn't do what I'm supposed to. I only have rights if I have a job"
WTF? I didn't give him my rat cd and I don't have a job so I don't have rights? Well excuse me for not wanting his fucking help with a calender...hell he's turning me off the idea. I don't have a job? LIKE THAT CAN BE HELPED! I'm fucking looking!
Then I hear my mom GIVE THE OK to do whatever to my door! I end up going to the bathroom when he comes back in with fucking tools! Then he starts tossing my stuff into bags and THROWING THEM IN THE TRASH! Books! My mom said "you can't throw out books!"
He goes something like "she doesn't deserve anything"
So when he goes back outside with a back (I better rescue that stuff...it's supposed to rain today) I run back in my room. God I want a door lock but my door can't take one.
Mom is telling me that I'm acting like a three year old. Okaaay whatever gets you through the night. I'm not the one threatening to take material possesions and busting down a door. He left but he'll be back. I want him out of my life. The only days I feel suicidal is when he's here doing this to me. YOu don't have to worry though, I'd never go through with it...even if the only reason sometimes is the safety of my animals. I'd be scared to do it even if I had no animals. I really hate him. God I don't even have anger in me anymore now..I'm only depressed and sad. I want to move, I really do. But moving takes money. It's too exspencive to live in this city. I have no money because I have no job. I want to leave, god I want to leave this house so much.
I love my mom but I think all the love for my brother has gone. I used to say "he loves me and is doing this because he loves me"
I don't know. He probably loves me in his fucked up way but with years of emotional abuse, I think I lost all love for him.
God it's only 1 in the afternoon and I'm exhausted. I was going to use my pissy Ren icon but I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just too tired to be angry so my depressed Harry icon will work. *sigh*