Agent 27 (witherwings7) wrote,
Agent 27

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in 19 days it will be my birthday

Twenty two and I haven't done a damn thing with my life. I'm taking college at a snail's pace. I know I will fail because that's all I've been doing lately, failing. The pets don't make me happy anymore. Nothing does. When the animal's lose their "make Sara happy" ability, you know something is wrong. I screamed at Spencer today. He got on my nerves when I was in a real bad place and I really screamed at him. I know he knew I was yelling at him. I haven't seen him in a hour. I'm so pissed at myself for yelling at him. He didn't do anything!
I hate my brother but everything he said to me was true, I keep failing and I don't even try. I don't have the dedication to be a vet, honestly I don't. I will probably be a pencil pusher my whole life and that depresses the hell out of me. I've been looking everywhere for a job but nobody will hire me because I lack experience. I even applied with Toys R Us, truely desperate at this point. I really want to go on vacation; my whole life is a vacation but I need a change of scenory. I need the beauty of nature and I don't get it here. We aren't going on vacation though.
Scrooge is closer to death which depresses me even more. He keeps vomiting and losing weight. He's at 7 pounds now and he used to be 15 pounds. Less then a year ago he was 15 pounds! He probably won't live to see my birthday. I love Scrooge!
I eat because I'm depressed and I'm depressed because I eat. That's a famous saying and it's the story of my life. I gained all the weight I lost since January, all 12 pounds! I feel bad about myself. I want to be thinner, not rail thin which would be impossible because of my body type (not to mention nasty). I want to be a reasonable weight though. Fuck, I'll jump for joy if I get to be 190!
Yesterday (Tuesday) was one of those days where, if I didn't have animals to take care of, I might have did something drastic. Probably not since I'm too afraid to do something like that but that would have been the closest I would come to really thinking seriously about it. I'll never do it of course.
I've had nothing but grapefruit juice for 3 days. That's unhealthy I know, but I can't bring myself to eat anything solid lately. No appetite for it.
Doesn't help that my brother called me Fat Bastard the other day and says "I want you to lose 30 pounds by my wedding" His wedding is the 24 of this month.He told mom "sign her up for Curves again. I'll pay it. I don't want her being the fattest person there"
I had no energy to argue.
I can't enjoy a good movie because my eyes burn so much from crying, I can't focus on a movie. I tried losing myself in a book, that was a joke. One chapter and I had to put it down. I tried cleaning cages but when the cage corner banged my side I just lost it, threw the cage and started screaming and ranting. I finished the cage but I'm done with cleaning for the night. It isn't my responcibilty of a rat\cat\pig mom that got me screaming. It's just life. I want to drive, I need to drive but I can't work up the courage to do it. I try to talk myself into it but I can't! I'll be stuck taking a bus my whole life. I like riding the bus but i need to be up 3 hours in advance for Jury duty. If I drove, I would need to be out of the house just one hour before jury duty starts.
*sigh* Listening to U2 isn't cheering me up either. Depresses me as well since I can't seem to get the money to buy myself a ticket. I want to take my friend to see U2 but I can't get the money for one ticket, let alone two. I WANT to see them again! I won't though :(
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