Agent 27 (witherwings7) wrote,
Agent 27

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Sara and the terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Friday wasn't a good day. I hadn't gotten to sleep until 5 so I woke up fairly late (1:30, yikes!). Mom was already in a bad mood from having an argument with my brother. It seems she doesn't feel wanted when she goes to visit the baby. So we run a few errands and come home where she starts preparing dinner while I clean off the table for later. After that I go online for a bit, filling out online job applications (I hate those).

We have dinner and I head back to my room to read. Suddenly I hear mom screaming at somebody so I turn down my music to listen. Seems she's yelling at my brother over the phone about how he never supports her and doesn't respect her. She is shrieking, and I feel it's best to stay in my room. I hear her stomping from the living room to the den and she slams open my door first to say "He says it's all my fault now!" before slamming the door...and then her door.
I sit in my room with the music turned down very low and kinda shaking. A few minutes later the phone rings and I hear her yelling again which is followed up by her hanging up on him and then crying. I really have no idea what to do at this point. The ring\yell\crying goes on a few more times. Then, the phone rings again and after much louder yelling, to the point where I can barely understand what she's saying, I hear her basically wailing. Now I'm really scared. I call Adam on my cell, basically crying myself, and tell him he has to apologize. I don't really know 100% of what's going on but I do know that mom is being over sensitive and Adam, who has the emotional range of a teaspoon, can't handle it. He's one of those people that doesn't believe in therapy and thinks people need to just get over their problems. When I had crippling depression, where I was always in bed and even lost out on going to my favorite group's concert (Foo Fighters at the time), he told me to get over it. I was about 15 and I was obsessed with the FFs but I didn't go because I didn't go to school because of the depression, I just could not get out of bed. That should have said something, but he doesn't understand (he wanted to be a child psychologist in college, lolz). Anyway, I'm getting off track. Unless he understands 100% of something, he gets sarcastic. So when mom told him that she feels unwanted he would claim that it's in her head of she's overreacting. She can't help how she feels but he just doesn't understand this. He's had this his whole life, it's part of who he is.

Anyway, I call him saying he has to apologize or at least talk to her. He can't, he says, because she keeps hanging up on him (so true). I tell him that he has to do something so he says "I'll be there in 10 minutes". I'm worried that he'll bring Elena which is the stem of this, so I ask "how are you getting there?". He'll walk but then asks if I could pick him up (he can't drive at night because of his eyesight). I do (it's 9:30pm) and talk to him on the drive back. I tell him to not be sarcastic, that we know how mom is when she gets into this state, etc etc.

After a hour of Adam trying to reason with her, me there with them to cut him off if he's being a snarky prat, mom starts to calm down. I'm also there to help and put in my input. She can't seem to move past some stuff that happened a long time ago (like, the wedding 3 years ago). I say that I got over thinking Adam was trying to run my life, and we get along alright. Basically he's too busy being married (and now a dad) to try to interfere with me. Our relationship is similar to before Dad died, it's peaceful most of the time.

It's a bitter verbal battle between mom and Adam but it gets to the point where the tension isn't as high. After a while I take Adam home. Driving home, I think hard and come to realize that maybe I set myself up for failure because deep deep down, I don't want to move. I didn't start failing out of college (or just dropping) until after Dad died. I gained a lot of weight after Dad died. Part of that could have been natural grieving, but I think part of it is me dropping\failing so I can't finish school and move on. That I gained all that weight because deep down I'm trying to repel any potential partners. Why? Maybe, maybe I'm trying to keep myself from moving out and leaving Mom alone. I think it's still going on, it was a constant battle for me to get to school last semester. I always wanted to stay home but I forced myself to go. I love school! Absolutely love it, I love learning. I am a compete knowledge junkie (I buy knowledge\useless facts\trivia books) but I couldn't get myself to go to school the last few years. I kept getting withdrawn from colleges and had to talk to counselors to be allowed back in. I was taking interesting classes, just so I could get myself to go. I would do really well and then, I realize now, my mother would go into one of her depressions and then I'd start to skip classes and eat more. It was a cyle. I think I'm scared of leaving her alone, I've thought sometimes "what if I move out, come and visit, and find her dead body?". That probably wouldn't happen, my mom's strong despite what's going on, but deep down, that's just an irrational fear of mine.

So now that I realize what might be causing me to sabotage myself, I might be able to change. It would be a constant uphill battle but I do need to finish school and I do need to move out. I'm nearly 25 and I've had maybe a full year of classes despite trying to finish college since 2002! I've gained, well I won't say how much, but a lot of weight since 2002. I was big then but I was at steady level, I didn't gain and I sometimes lost. Since then, I've gained and haven't lost, I would just stop going to gyms\Curves\etc despite me still having a membership. I need to stop this. I must move out, it'll be better for both my mom and myself, I'm sure! Mom always tells me she resents me living there but at the same time, she doesn't want to shop unless I'm with her. Me living at home is bad for both of us, she's become dependent on me most of the time for any of her leisure time and I'm making her resent me. I need to increase my job hunt. It will be very hard finding a job with my whacky school schedule but I will try! Maybe one I do move out, and I'm out of this house, I can see that Mom will be fine and maybe really focus more on weight loss. Every step forward I make in losing weight, I end up taking two step backwards.

As a great movie points out, change can hurt but you can either run from it or learn from it.

On a slightly related note, here's my class schedule. I'm looking forward to these classes but I know I'll have to fight myself from messing it up. Here's to success *raises virtual goblet*

English 102 12:45pm-2:10pm Tues\Thurs
Humanities 030 (Birth of Civilization) 9:35am-11am Mon\Wed
Math 112 (pre-algerbra) 11:10am-12:35pm Tues\Thurs
History 001 (rise of western civilization) 6:45pm-10pm Mon

I might add one more class. I'm taking classes this semester that I need but also, classes that I know I'll enjoy. Well, except for math. I better take a math class now rather then put it off. Eww, math.

Oh, I apologize if my grammar is worse then usual or my spelling hideous, but I'm exhausted and didn't bother to spell check like normal. I try to be decent with grammar despite it not being my strong suit, but I'm not perfect. ;)
Tags: adam, dad, mom, musings, school, soul searching, weight issues
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