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Musings and Memories - Robot Skeleton Army Minion #1983
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Sat, Aug. 11th, 2007 02:43 am
Musings and Memories

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming in the middle of a crowded room and nobody can hear me.

Yes, that sounds very angsty but I'm in an angsty mood so please excuse me.

It seems like I'm going nowhere in my life no matter how hard I try to break free of the restraints I have on me. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get myself a job. Maybe I'm doing something wrong in the interviews, every place I go can't look at my size and say "let's not hire her!". No, there are some places that look for the thin people, but not all places. It must be me.

I was going to try to get into a local art college but I found out the price and I just can't afford that. I don't qualify for financial aide because of what my mom makes and the monthly checks I get from some stocks my grandparents set up. Those checks go to my internet, cell phone, and any other expenses I have. I put aside $5-$10 from each check for pleasure expenses which can be some music downloads, a movie ticket, whatever. I don't think that's a lot of money for that type of spending and most of it is for important things like I mentioned. Anyway, I can't get financial aide so I won't be able to afford this college. I'm going to go to West Los Angeles College this fall and take a few classes. Maybe I can land a job with the help of the job search office they have on campus and then after saving, I can go to the art college so I can actually take classes that will go towards what I want in life.

My goals for the next 5 years;
1. Get a steady job
2. Move out of the house and into my own apartment (with or without roomies)
3. Get my own car
4. Move out of the major Los Angeles area.
To do number 4, I will probably have to wait the whole five years. That's fine with me, I just need to move out of Southern California eventually, I feel like I'm suffocating here. Don't think I don't love Los Angeles or this part of the state. I do, I think Los Angeles is fun and it is where I grew up! I love this state, we have some beautiful beaches, forests, and mountains. However, I would love to move to Central or Northern California.

I'd actually love to move to Oregon, Washington, or British Columbia and that's a goal of mine further down the road. For now I'll be happy to get that job, that apartment, and the car.

Number 5 on my goal list is to get myself a guy. I'm not going to make it an official goal though because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if I don't get a guy. I'd love to be in a steady and healthy relationship but I won't hold my breath.

The other day we moved all the furniture I'm taking from Grandma's into the rat room. All the rats I have were moved into my room and I'm also rat sitting, those are in the back of the house. After my rats pass away I'm going to take a major break from rats. This is for a few reasons. One main reason is the emotional impact of it. I've had rats since 2002 and they all have such short lifespans. After awhile the deaths take their toll on my heart. Another reason is the money, it doesn't take much to keep one or two rats if you don't take in account the vet bills. I take my rats to the vet when it's needed and that drains my wallet. It's worth it to keep them healthy but that's just another reason. The third reason is my moving out. I don't think I'm going to get out of this house before these guys pass on so when I move I will only have to worry about finding an apartment that allows cats. I will only have Spencer, I'll leave Leela here and Mystery is my mom's cat no matter how much I love her. It will be easier to find an apartment when I only have the one cat, it's so hard to find a place that allows caged animals much less a rat! That's the last reason I'll take a break.
I'll get some more rats one day but it won't be for a while.

I can see myself getting myself a ferret once I move out of state. I've always wanted a ferret and once I'm out of state and in a situation where I can afford it and spend time with it, I'd love to get one or two rescue ferrets. That's very far down the road too so I'm not even worrying about that right now.

Anyway, I was talking about the furniture. This will help me in the money area since I won't have to pay for new stuff. I got two retro couches, some chairs, a table, a coffee table, and a television. The TV is from the mid 90s but it works and that's all that matters. Maybe I'll upgrade to a plasma or something but for now I have a TV for free, no complaints!
Oh, I also got a bed headboard for a king bed and a large dresser mirror. I have a queen but it won't look bad in front of a king size headboard, my mother's bed is like that and it's fine.
It's the end of an era, my Grandparent's house is sold and the new owners are going to be remodeling. I'm just thankful that they aren't going to tear down the house. That house has many memories for me and if I came here a year from now and saw a completely new house it would tear me apart. It's their house to do what they please and I'm happy they are just remodeling and adding on.

My mother and I had a little spat today, sometimes she can be so childish. Every Friday, after we do our errands, I nap on the couch. It's a habit of mine and I've been doing this for years now. You would think she'd be fine with this, especially since when Dad was alive they would nap every Saturday since it's the Jewish day of rest. I don't nap Saturdays usually, Friday is the day I do that so it should be fine.
Anyway, I got up from my nap when she was heating up dinner and went into the kitchen to make the sauce I eat with my chicken and potatoes. She got on my case about how I should have done that before dinner. I suppose I should have but it takes two minutes to make and the food needed another five minutes. Let me say I'm also very grumpy and my ears are very sensitive after I nap. She knows this too so I figured she remember when I mentioned that it was fine in a rougher voice then usual (it didn't help she was banging the silverware, ack!). I didn't yell though, it just came out curt. She said "Oh do what you want, I'm not eating!"
I wasn't in the mood to put up with her childish ways so I said "Oh you go eat, I'm not really that hungry!"
To which she gives me her usual remark; "Go to Hell."
Alright, I'm used to that so it doesn't really hurt my feeling anymore. It's sad that I'm used to my mom saying that to me but whatever.
I finish my sauce and go in the den to play Tomb Raider, killing some dinosaurs should calm me down.
I go in a bit later to heat the food again for myself and I see mom sulking while playing on the computer. "Do you want me to heat enough for both of us?"
"No, do what you want. I'm not hungry."
I eat my food.
I swear sometimes my mother can be so childish! I'm not a picture of perfection but when I get pissed off it usually only takes me a few minutes to calm down. Mom can be sulky for the rest of the day, it's insane.
Oh well.

I really miss talking with Ben. We don't get to talk that often and it saddens me. This is his month of downtime before school starts again so I thought we'd get a chance to really talk, it hasn't happened. If Ben takes on too many commitments this coming term I'm going to have to get on his case. I don't want him burning out again and landing in the hospital. He's one of the most important people in my life and I just want him healthy and happy and stressing out to the point where his medication isn't working and landing in the hospital is not healthy and happy! Bleh.

Enough of that, I put some photos behind the cut. They're all scans from the boxes and albums I've been going through.

OMG, such 80\90s clothes! Disneyland!

This was taken in 2004 at Disneyland. I can happily say I lost some weight since then. I'm red because this was taken hours after walking around in the sun. Ugh, I hate those glasses now, they did not compliment my face!

My Grandmother on my mom's side.

On my dad's side. This was at Adam's Bar Mitzvah party

I miss my dad :(

Mom and myself at Adam's Bar Mitzvah. I love this picture.

Tags: , , , , , , , ,
Current Location: Los Angeles
Current Mood: nostalgic nostalgic
Current Music: Draco & The Malfoys - In Which I Kick Harry Potter In The Face


Sat, Aug. 11th, 2007 10:50 am (UTC)

I always write my goals down to a paper (or on this case LJ hehehe). Cause when I´m feeling like you are I keep thinkin and thinking and thjinking about it. And writing about it makes a bit better.

what beeeeeeautiful photos!!!
Your dad seems to be a really a nice person! What a fun picture hehehe I´m sure you learned very important things with him :)

About the 80's clothes hahaha all my old pics look like it too. So funny to look at them!

Loved to see the grandmothers :)

You seem a bit shy on the last pic hehehe

Agent 27
Sat, Aug. 11th, 2007 11:15 am (UTC)

He was a great person, he worked with the city and wrote some of the laws. He was very religious but also open minded. I got my love for classical music, opera, photography, and traveling from him :3

I probably was shy there, there were so many people and I was just 4 1\2

ReplyThread Parent
Sat, Aug. 11th, 2007 10:22 pm (UTC)

Are you going to take Heidi with you when you move?

Agent 27
Sat, Aug. 11th, 2007 11:48 pm (UTC)

No, Heidi firmly made herself clear that she's my mom's dog. Maybe I'll get a small dog if allowed and if I have the time and money but I think I'd rather get another cat. *shrugs*

ReplyThread Parent
Sun, Aug. 12th, 2007 12:20 am (UTC)

Those are really great resolutions, one has to do what has to do =). I wish I could move out too, and get a life in my own place. So that's why I'm studying to get a job and do it. Let's hope for the best!
I'm sorry about your dad (even if it comes from a complete stranger like me). But it calms me the way you're taking it right now. *hugs*My mother and I had a little spat today, sometimes she can be so childish that definitely sounds familiar to me!
Bye =)

Box Of Sorrows
Mon, Aug. 13th, 2007 10:27 am (UTC)

I know what you mean about the rats, breaks my heart whenever we lose any of ours :-/ It really is a shame they don't have longer lifespans.
I love the old photo's, I really should get some albums from mums house and scan some of my childhood photo's...

Agent 27
Mon, Aug. 13th, 2007 10:30 am (UTC)

Oh, so we're going to see photos of you riding in a horse and carriages?

I'll shut up now ;D

ReplyThread Parent
Box Of Sorrows
Mon, Aug. 13th, 2007 10:38 am (UTC)


I did notice the other day that she'd had some old photo's out and there are a bunch of me sitting in the car from Condorman - they brought the car to the cinema for the opening of the film, I think I was probably about 10yrs old at the time!

ReplyThread Parent
Mon, Aug. 20th, 2007 09:53 am (UTC)

Your suspenders! Awesome.

Agent 27
Mon, Aug. 20th, 2007 10:09 am (UTC)


Just thought I'd let you know that I had an insane X-Files marathon this weekend :D
I miss that show, and I didn't realize how much I missed it until I watched my entire dvd set O_O

Are you excited about the upcoming movie!?

ReplyThread Parent
Tue, Aug. 21st, 2007 02:20 am (UTC)

Wow, the entire DVD set? That's hardcore! I wish they would re-air it, all the shitty shows get played over and over and over again, I want some X Files darn it!

And ya, the movie looks like it's really going to happen this time, doesn't it? I'm trying not to get too excited yet, but it seems almost safe to begin doing so.

ReplyThread Parent
Agent 27
Tue, Aug. 21st, 2007 03:04 am (UTC)

Yeah, it took me a week and this weekend I really piled on the hours watching it. Yes, I have no life O_O
I wasn't too worried about watching the last two seasons since I cannot stand Doggett episodes...but I made a point to watch them all.

Yeah, it seems that tv cancels all the great stuff. THey didn't cancel X-Files but I remember a great show on Fox called "Boston Public" that only lasted two or three episodes that they ditched for a crap show called "The P.Js"

I read that it was confirmed that David is looking at scripts :D

ReplyThread Parent
Agent 27
Tue, Aug. 21st, 2007 03:05 am (UTC)

Lasted only two or three seasons, my bad :P

ReplyThread Parent
Tue, Aug. 21st, 2007 03:44 am (UTC)

My other Phile friends are pretty excited about it too. I got used to Dogget after they stopped trying to use him to replace Mulder and went "okay, okay, he's just...another dude, he's not replacing Mulder, and look, here's a partner for him, see? Happy families! (Please stop sending us death threats.)"

ReplyThread Parent