Agent 27 (witherwings7) wrote,
Agent 27
witherwings7

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Musings and Memories

Sometimes I feel like I'm screaming in the middle of a crowded room and nobody can hear me.

Yes, that sounds very angsty but I'm in an angsty mood so please excuse me.

It seems like I'm going nowhere in my life no matter how hard I try to break free of the restraints I have on me. No matter how hard I try, I cannot get myself a job. Maybe I'm doing something wrong in the interviews, every place I go can't look at my size and say "let's not hire her!". No, there are some places that look for the thin people, but not all places. It must be me.



I was going to try to get into a local art college but I found out the price and I just can't afford that. I don't qualify for financial aide because of what my mom makes and the monthly checks I get from some stocks my grandparents set up. Those checks go to my internet, cell phone, and any other expenses I have. I put aside $5-$10 from each check for pleasure expenses which can be some music downloads, a movie ticket, whatever. I don't think that's a lot of money for that type of spending and most of it is for important things like I mentioned. Anyway, I can't get financial aide so I won't be able to afford this college. I'm going to go to West Los Angeles College this fall and take a few classes. Maybe I can land a job with the help of the job search office they have on campus and then after saving, I can go to the art college so I can actually take classes that will go towards what I want in life.

My goals for the next 5 years;
1. Get a steady job
2. Move out of the house and into my own apartment (with or without roomies)
3. Get my own car
4. Move out of the major Los Angeles area.
To do number 4, I will probably have to wait the whole five years. That's fine with me, I just need to move out of Southern California eventually, I feel like I'm suffocating here. Don't think I don't love Los Angeles or this part of the state. I do, I think Los Angeles is fun and it is where I grew up! I love this state, we have some beautiful beaches, forests, and mountains. However, I would love to move to Central or Northern California.

I'd actually love to move to Oregon, Washington, or British Columbia and that's a goal of mine further down the road. For now I'll be happy to get that job, that apartment, and the car.

Number 5 on my goal list is to get myself a guy. I'm not going to make it an official goal though because I don't want to set myself up for disappointment if I don't get a guy. I'd love to be in a steady and healthy relationship but I won't hold my breath.

The other day we moved all the furniture I'm taking from Grandma's into the rat room. All the rats I have were moved into my room and I'm also rat sitting, those are in the back of the house. After my rats pass away I'm going to take a major break from rats. This is for a few reasons. One main reason is the emotional impact of it. I've had rats since 2002 and they all have such short lifespans. After awhile the deaths take their toll on my heart. Another reason is the money, it doesn't take much to keep one or two rats if you don't take in account the vet bills. I take my rats to the vet when it's needed and that drains my wallet. It's worth it to keep them healthy but that's just another reason. The third reason is my moving out. I don't think I'm going to get out of this house before these guys pass on so when I move I will only have to worry about finding an apartment that allows cats. I will only have Spencer, I'll leave Leela here and Mystery is my mom's cat no matter how much I love her. It will be easier to find an apartment when I only have the one cat, it's so hard to find a place that allows caged animals much less a rat! That's the last reason I'll take a break.
I'll get some more rats one day but it won't be for a while.

I can see myself getting myself a ferret once I move out of state. I've always wanted a ferret and once I'm out of state and in a situation where I can afford it and spend time with it, I'd love to get one or two rescue ferrets. That's very far down the road too so I'm not even worrying about that right now.

Anyway, I was talking about the furniture. This will help me in the money area since I won't have to pay for new stuff. I got two retro couches, some chairs, a table, a coffee table, and a television. The TV is from the mid 90s but it works and that's all that matters. Maybe I'll upgrade to a plasma or something but for now I have a TV for free, no complaints!
Oh, I also got a bed headboard for a king bed and a large dresser mirror. I have a queen but it won't look bad in front of a king size headboard, my mother's bed is like that and it's fine.
It's the end of an era, my Grandparent's house is sold and the new owners are going to be remodeling. I'm just thankful that they aren't going to tear down the house. That house has many memories for me and if I came here a year from now and saw a completely new house it would tear me apart. It's their house to do what they please and I'm happy they are just remodeling and adding on.

My mother and I had a little spat today, sometimes she can be so childish. Every Friday, after we do our errands, I nap on the couch. It's a habit of mine and I've been doing this for years now. You would think she'd be fine with this, especially since when Dad was alive they would nap every Saturday since it's the Jewish day of rest. I don't nap Saturdays usually, Friday is the day I do that so it should be fine.
Anyway, I got up from my nap when she was heating up dinner and went into the kitchen to make the sauce I eat with my chicken and potatoes. She got on my case about how I should have done that before dinner. I suppose I should have but it takes two minutes to make and the food needed another five minutes. Let me say I'm also very grumpy and my ears are very sensitive after I nap. She knows this too so I figured she remember when I mentioned that it was fine in a rougher voice then usual (it didn't help she was banging the silverware, ack!). I didn't yell though, it just came out curt. She said "Oh do what you want, I'm not eating!"
I wasn't in the mood to put up with her childish ways so I said "Oh you go eat, I'm not really that hungry!"
To which she gives me her usual remark; "Go to Hell."
Alright, I'm used to that so it doesn't really hurt my feeling anymore. It's sad that I'm used to my mom saying that to me but whatever.
I finish my sauce and go in the den to play Tomb Raider, killing some dinosaurs should calm me down.
I go in a bit later to heat the food again for myself and I see mom sulking while playing on the computer. "Do you want me to heat enough for both of us?"
"No, do what you want. I'm not hungry."
Ok....
I eat my food.
I swear sometimes my mother can be so childish! I'm not a picture of perfection but when I get pissed off it usually only takes me a few minutes to calm down. Mom can be sulky for the rest of the day, it's insane.
Oh well.

I really miss talking with Ben. We don't get to talk that often and it saddens me. This is his month of downtime before school starts again so I thought we'd get a chance to really talk, it hasn't happened. If Ben takes on too many commitments this coming term I'm going to have to get on his case. I don't want him burning out again and landing in the hospital. He's one of the most important people in my life and I just want him healthy and happy and stressing out to the point where his medication isn't working and landing in the hospital is not healthy and happy! Bleh.


Enough of that, I put some photos behind the cut. They're all scans from the boxes and albums I've been going through.




OMG, such 80\90s clothes! Disneyland!


This was taken in 2004 at Disneyland. I can happily say I lost some weight since then. I'm red because this was taken hours after walking around in the sun. Ugh, I hate those glasses now, they did not compliment my face!


My Grandmother on my mom's side.


On my dad's side. This was at Adam's Bar Mitzvah party


I miss my dad :(


Mom and myself at Adam's Bar Mitzvah. I love this picture.
Tags: ben, childhood, dayna, family, me, musings, my photos, rants, soul searching
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