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Mon, Jun. 18th, 2007 04:46 am
If you put 100 monkeys in a room with a 100 typewriters, they will eventually write some Shakesphere

I can't sleep, so much on my mind. I'm depressed over Zoe and over my dad. Some may think it's horrible of me to put her name first, but she did just die so to those people; back off. Both died way too young, Dad was only 58.

I'm feeling very down on myself and about myself. I don't want to turn 24, I don't want to get older. That isn't a big deal though, I'm just feeling very unloved and basically alone right now. There's nobody here (LA) that I can talk to. I can't just go out and meet people you know? I'm very shy. It's actually easier for me to become friends online with somebody first before meeting them. The only person I'm close to that I didn't meet online is my cousin, everybody else that I'm very close to I've met online first. I can't really talk to my therapist but my mom makes me see this guy. He will say 'oh I'm sorry' about Zoe and then change the subject. He'll want to talk about my dad and Father's Day which is fine and good but he won't understand my depression over Zoe. And if I bring up the fact that I feel alone in this city and that I badly just want to get away he'll say something like 'well you need a job and you need a boyfriend, blah blah'
It's like I'm not trying to find a job to him, I try but I don't get hired. I actually got a callback for a follow-up interview which I have hopes for..won't hold my breath though.

He also talks to me a little like my brother does in terms of my weight. Oh he won't call me...'fat cow' like my dear brother does sometimes (he'll deny it or justify that by saying he was angry) but he'll say that I'm not trying to lose weight. I told him I stopped soda drinking for two months and now I'm only drinking diet soda but it's not enough for my therapist and for my brother (and my mother for that matter). That's not all I do, that was just an example.
Speaking of Adam...his wife is pregnant. I'm not sure what I feel about that...

Nothing is enough for them and sometimes it's all I can take without screaming my lungs raw. If my mom or therapist ever saw this they would say 'oh, this is why you need to be on medication Sara! You won't feel this way anymore!'
There's only so much I can take before I get to this point. I was fine a few weeks ago but with all this building up, yes I'm VERY depressed right now and I guess it's natural with all the crap that has been happening. Medication will give me false feelings, it's not the answer. Medication can help, not completely cure.

Wow, a note I meant to last only a few sentences really went on didn't it? This turned into a real pity party..I'm not asking for pity..or even understanding. I guess i just needed to get this off my chest.

I can't even get excited for the book and movie release right now...
I hope that changes because it's bizarre for me to go 'whatever' when thinking about July 11th or July 21st.

The only high point in my life right now is the fact that my out-of-town family is coming down here for a week and then I'm going up there for about 10 days. That brings a smile to my face

I look terrible in this photo but it's the best shot of Zoe and myself...

On a completely different matter...I'm getting addicted to Facebook.

Tags: , , , , , ,
Current Location: a cave on the moon
Current Mood: depressed depressed
Current Music: Elvis Presley - Surrender


Mon, Jun. 18th, 2007 01:38 pm (UTC)

Your therapist needs a good punch in the mouth, saying that you need a boyfriend to feel "secure" in this place. I will maul ANYONE that tells me that I need a boy to complete me. >:(

I'd say something to your therapist like, "Look you jackass, Zoe meant a lot to me and I'm depressed and want to fucking talk about it. Shut up and listen, like good therapists are supposed to do."

... Yeah, I don't think any therapist could tolerate trying to handle me. XD

Mon, Jun. 18th, 2007 07:04 pm (UTC)

Yeah, I'm poster child for "Reasons why you should not get a boyfriend because you feel badly about yourself or lonely" her therapist needs to meet me. Then again...I'm sure that wouldn't end well...

ReplyThread Parent
Mon, Jun. 18th, 2007 03:56 pm (UTC)

*hugs* The same thing happens to me, I'm extremely shy and I feel more comfortable meeting people online than in RL and sometimes I don't even want to talk to people online :/ IMO you should see another therapist because that guy needs a punch on the face!!! *hugs again*

Mon, Jun. 18th, 2007 07:03 pm (UTC)

*hugs again*

I already said everything I felt and wanted to about your therapist on Facebook so I won't repeat it again but I wanted to offer you another e-hug and support here as well.

Miss Celie of the North
Tue, Jun. 19th, 2007 02:28 am (UTC)

http://www.vet.cornell.edu/org/petloss/About.htm (Cornell is the huge-ass veterinary college near me) I don't know if you have free long distance or anything, but even if you can grab a phonecard for a bit it'll be more helpful than your lame therapist. I know you can't get a new one, but I don't think he is the right therapist for you.
Did you ever have any luck finding the Overeaters Anonymous? I remember you were interested in them.

I think the death of Zoe and your dad are intertwined because of this Father's Day, and that just because you mention it first/it is closer to your mind doesn't mean anything in terms of you loving or missing her more, or less.

Tue, Jun. 19th, 2007 05:12 am (UTC)

That's not appropriate for your therapist to say, AT ALL. You should try to get a new one.

BagelDelight - Cause You Like It Crusty & Chewy
Tue, Jun. 19th, 2007 05:32 am (UTC)

Sara, I'm so sorry to hear about the passings in your family *hugs you* I saw a later post mentioning the support you'd gotten. I'm sorry I'm seeing this now instead of then.

It IS horribly hard meeting people; these days, if I don't meet friends online, I only meet them through my kid's activities, like baseball or Cub Scouts. And its not like I can sit down with a soccer mom type and say, "So, I slash teenage wizards for fun...how about you?" Or "Boy, is Dan Rad hot or what?Ummmmm. Uh, no, not legal. Yet!" It is difficult and I do know how you feel there; plus, LA is a lonely place in a lot of ways too.

That therapist needs a hell of a lot more training. I don't understand why being a plus size or not is the litmus test for happiness. Or a boyfriend/girlfriend. Its not. Its really not.

I've read all your posts and honestly, I sure as hell hope your brother's child doesn't turn out to have any weight issues, because its clear he sees it as a weakness or a failure. God help them.

Your cousin sees you clearly for the sweet and wonderful person you are...listen to him.

Agent 27
Tue, Jun. 19th, 2007 06:23 am (UTC)


Los Angeles is lonely which is weird when you think about how huge it is. It is lonely though...

He claims (therapist and brother) that they harp on me because of the health reasons. That's all very well and good, that's the reason I'm trying to lose the weight, but the way they go about it is just awful.

I'm just glad somebody in my family has respect for me because my mom and brother sure as hell don't -.-

I would just love to sit down with some random person and talk about the joy of slashing two hot boys men. :P

Your icon is interesting, it's like he's crying lightning...

ReplyThread Parent
Box Of Sorrows
Tue, Jun. 19th, 2007 07:08 am (UTC)

I think it's all been said by the others so I won't repeat things, just hope you're feeling better princess..