I can't sleep, so much on my mind. I'm depressed over Zoe and over my dad. Some may think it's horrible of me to put her name first, but she did just die so to those people; back off. Both died way too young, Dad was only 58.
I'm feeling very down on myself and about myself. I don't want to turn 24, I don't want to get older. That isn't a big deal though, I'm just feeling very unloved and basically alone right now. There's nobody here (LA) that I can talk to. I can't just go out and meet people you know? I'm very shy. It's actually easier for me to become friends online with somebody first before meeting them. The only person I'm close to that I didn't meet online is my cousin, everybody else that I'm very close to I've met online first. I can't really talk to my therapist but my mom makes me see this guy. He will say 'oh I'm sorry' about Zoe and then change the subject. He'll want to talk about my dad and Father's Day which is fine and good but he won't understand my depression over Zoe. And if I bring up the fact that I feel alone in this city and that I badly just want to get away he'll say something like 'well you need a job and you need a boyfriend, blah blah'
It's like I'm not trying to find a job to him, I try but I don't get hired. I actually got a callback for a follow-up interview which I have hopes for..won't hold my breath though.
He also talks to me a little like my brother does in terms of my weight. Oh he won't call me...'fat cow' like my dear brother does sometimes (he'll deny it or justify that by saying he was angry) but he'll say that I'm not trying to lose weight. I told him I stopped soda drinking for two months and now I'm only drinking diet soda but it's not enough for my therapist and for my brother (and my mother for that matter). That's not all I do, that was just an example.
Speaking of Adam...his wife is pregnant. I'm not sure what I feel about that...
Nothing is enough for them and sometimes it's all I can take without screaming my lungs raw. If my mom or therapist ever saw this they would say 'oh, this is why you need to be on medication Sara! You won't feel this way anymore!'
There's only so much I can take before I get to this point. I was fine a few weeks ago but with all this building up, yes I'm VERY depressed right now and I guess it's natural with all the crap that has been happening. Medication will give me false feelings, it's not the answer. Medication can help, not completely cure.
Wow, a note I meant to last only a few sentences really went on didn't it? This turned into a real pity party..I'm not asking for pity..or even understanding. I guess i just needed to get this off my chest.
I can't even get excited for the book and movie release right now...
I hope that changes because it's bizarre for me to go 'whatever' when thinking about July 11th or July 21st.
The only high point in my life right now is the fact that my out-of-town family is coming down here for a week and then I'm going up there for about 10 days. That brings a smile to my face
I look terrible in this photo but it's the best shot of Zoe and myself...
On a completely different matter...I'm getting addicted to Facebook.